Friday, June 26, 2009

From Self-centeredness to Christ Centeredness.

This is a stab at articulating some things in my self and being part of the community that are on the edge of full articulation. This is sort of a sketch of thoughts on what living for and in Christ as member and prior of an intentional Christian Community.

Several things are on the horizon for the community, yet what they mean for the community is currently very vague and the time table for them happening is also uncertain and depends on things which are not entirely in our or my control. This is a difficult place to be one that requires detachment and a keen sense of call and the reason for having made and continuing to make certain sacrifices. Our Rule speaks of growing in awareness of things held in common, of hospitality and of being for the other. All of this, if followed, calls for moving beyond a self-centerdness into dieing to one-self for the sake of Christ. Here is the rub: at times it is not clear to me how what we do, what I do is for Christ, nor is it clear to me what exactly that means. I am not always sure how to evaluate these things.

The lack of clarity in part comes from the the moralistic interpretations of being Christ centered or the narrow cultural interpretations that would view my identification as Goth as a form of self-centeredness. Yet, I have for sometime felt that my identification as goth Christian and pastor was a coincidence of things That are expressions of myself and of being for Christ.

What I feel being called to now is that to entirely give over this identity to Christ and all that i do: for instance working with Kilter Magazine. What is odd is that this sense of call changes nothing of the externals, rather it is a disposition towards these things. A releasing of a preoccupation with identity and its preservation.

What has lead me to this I am finding that my various involvements are exhausting me, because I am attempting to do them because I am interested in them and for myself. Yet I have also been lead to do them for the sake of Christ and others. attempting to keep a division of what I do for myself and what I do for "ministry", creates at times an exhausting burden, because most of what I do currently is due to my interests and identity and yet I am also doing them as "ministry"

What I think is happening is that who I am is being taken up into Christ, I will take part in the editorial work of Kilter, I will write for Catapult, pastor Reconciler be Prior of the Community of Holy Trinity as its founder,

This all should not be surprising when Kate and I began down this path it was not for us but for others. Before our friends approached us and asked to start a community with them, we did not feel called to community. the very act of founding the Community of the Holy Trinity was an act of leaving aside a certain path in which we would have still served Christ but would have pursued our interests and certainly would have served Christ but in away that the service of Christ would have been through the preservation of an identity in the service of Christ, there would have been "ministry" we would have done and the things we did in our own pursuits separate from "ministry" I don't have a ministry, I don't have that which is for myself. This goes against much current conversation of self-care.

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